life can chew you up.

from neat & tidy

JEANIE
sometimes
life can chew you up and spit you out and sometimes
you have mornings where you think
jesus h christ another morning
and i always said your eyes hurt when you first wake up
not because the sun is too bright
but because life is a scary thing to look at first thing in the mornings.
(she lights a cigarette.)
when walter jr was born i said to walt my husband i said

why would anyone want to bring a kid into this world?

and walt
walt was an optimist
and i suppose we complimented each other pretty well
walt said

jeanie
who wouldn’t want to come out of somewhere dark and scary
when there’s so much to see on this side?
we’ve got buildings and cars and aieplanes and
we’ve got sunlight and flowers and
there’s giant balls of yarn
remember that?
there’s so much to do and see and it isn’t rough for everyone

but we’d lost three babies before walter jr
joan and betty and peter
two stillborns
one
sids
sudden infant
death
syndrome
that was the hardest one
one minute there next minute gone and walter jr
walter jr should’ve been a miracle
but the hormones and the pain and the fucking overwhelming fear that something will happen to this one too?
i didn’t want to hold him
and walt
walt just
he looked at me and said
you can’t be afraid cause you’ll miss out
you can’t harp on the bad
you can’t cut the fat offa life.

he’d do that sometimes.
talk about meat like it was something more than that.
but he was right.
that’s something you can understand when you’re older.
and when the clock is ticking.

i haven’t told walter jr and
i don’t think i will because i don’t want a fuss
but i’ve got cancer.
lung.
the smokes.
but i’m not gonna cut the fat outta life and i like my marlboros and i enjoy being a woman of habit.