life can chew you up.

from neat & tidy

JEANIE
sometimes
life can chew you up and spit you out and sometimes
you have mornings where you think
jesus h christ another morning
and i always said your eyes hurt when you first wake up
not because the sun is too bright
but because life is a scary thing to look at first thing in the mornings.
(she lights a cigarette.)
when walter jr was born i said to walt my husband i said

why would anyone want to bring a kid into this world?

and walt
walt was an optimist
and i suppose we complimented each other pretty well
walt said

jeanie
who wouldn’t want to come out of somewhere dark and scary
when there’s so much to see on this side?
we’ve got buildings and cars and aieplanes and
we’ve got sunlight and flowers and
there’s giant balls of yarn
remember that?
there’s so much to do and see and it isn’t rough for everyone

but we’d lost three babies before walter jr
joan and betty and peter
two stillborns
one
sids
sudden infant
death
syndrome
that was the hardest one
one minute there next minute gone and walter jr
walter jr should’ve been a miracle
but the hormones and the pain and the fucking overwhelming fear that something will happen to this one too?
i didn’t want to hold him
and walt
walt just
he looked at me and said
you can’t be afraid cause you’ll miss out
you can’t harp on the bad
you can’t cut the fat offa life.

he’d do that sometimes.
talk about meat like it was something more than that.
but he was right.
that’s something you can understand when you’re older.
and when the clock is ticking.

i haven’t told walter jr and
i don’t think i will because i don’t want a fuss
but i’ve got cancer.
lung.
the smokes.
but i’m not gonna cut the fat outta life and i like my marlboros and i enjoy being a woman of habit.

TINK

From "The Adventures of Peter & Wendy"

TINK. I didn't understand most of it. The Pirates hated the Lost Babes and the Injuns, the Injuns hated the Pirates and tolerated the Lost Babes, and the Lost Babes were always changing their minds. Because to me a person was a person was a person and to me there wasn't any use complaining about differences.
And so I never thought, I never realized, I always forgot that I was small, that I was living life in miniature, that I was
me
and they were
they
and Peter was a real boy who could crush me with a kiss. And so I fell a thousand feet into the abyss, I fell and fell like Alice, I’d heard about her from a mouse who got caught in a rainstorm, and I fell and fell right into L into a word I didn’t understand and I pulled her hair because she got in the way
she got in our in between
Peter and mine’s
and so I pulled her hair and I pulled it hard.
You see
when I was wee
I was tinier than a speck and it isn’t easy to be tinier than a speck because if a speck could kill you life had to be pretty awfully sad and so here I am smaller than a speck and I had to learn to be
tough
and that’s why fairies
that’s why we’re known to be rascals because we had to learn how to be crafty and
tough
and when I was more than wee
bigger than little
but still tiny
I demanded to know the meaning of my name and I said
why
why am I a tinker?
And my sisters said because you’re a Fixer Upper
you’ll make things Better
and I said why
why am I a bell?
And my sisters said because you sing
when you fly your wings make songs
and Peter
when he crows it sounds like a flute
off in the forest
and it sounds like hundreds of fairies laughing
and it’s familiar and it’s warm and I want to wrap myself in the blanket of this Pan flute melody and so I pull her hair because I don’t know who she is or what she wants or why she’s asking for a
kiss
and Peter he’s mad
Peter he’s angry
because I’ve pulled her hair
and it’s Never The Same.

(a Pinter pause.)

I wasn’t ready for it.
For Peter to discover L
the word I still don’t understand.
And even though it’s Greek, I know this much:
it’s like July
it’s like summer
it’s addictive and your toes they’re out and they bask in the sun like pigs in blankets and your skin crinkles like French fried potatoes and the Sun seems to think it will never frown and the Sky is so Blue it looks like Peter colored it in with crayons.

I think that’s
L.
it’s the closest to Understanding I have come.

I don’t tell Peter this.
I can’t and I won’t.
But fairies only live for so long.
And so long isn’t as long as real boys.
And when Peter comes back from Away
from bring Wendy Home
I’ll be tired
and when you’re tired it’s time to go to Sleep
and so a little while after
maybe a week
but a week in Neverland
is never
so it’s very hard to tell
but maybe in a week I’ll be gone.
I'll be Dust.
Fairy dust.

I wish you wouldn't clap. Clapping makes it awfully hard to Sleep.

I don't want to tell him, but I do.
I open his ears and I say, Peter, listen. Wendy needs you. John and Michael and all your Lost Babes need you. And I say, Peter,
Peter, I say,
we need to fly.

We need to fly because I L.