NANCY CHAPIWIN. I like to keep the ticket stubs together. Some people hang them, others scrapbook 'em, some people don't even save them. But me? I like to keep them together in a pile. A nice big stack with a fat, red rubberband. It's easier to guess the number that way. And I find, that when I take them out at the stagedoor, the other fans -- well, they enjoy the guessing. But, since you don't exactly look like a guesser to me -- is that a fanny pack? Okay... Anyway, I'll spare you the details and just spit it out.
(She whispers this, as if it's size will shake the earth if she says it too loudly,)
Ninety-six. I've seen this show NINETY-SIX times. In fact, the star -- you may have heard of her -- Annie Ridley? She gave me her jacket a few weeks ago. Her assistant brought us backstage and Annie was SO excited to see me that she tossed it right at me! I've been wearing it ever since. Well -- except when I take a shower. Then I hang it on the bathroom door. (Models the jacket,) Do you like it? My mother thinks I look like a younger Annie, but I'm not sure. Either way, it's got some pretty great juju.
(She whispers this, as if it's size will shake the earth if she says it too loudly,)
Ninety-six. I've seen this show NINETY-SIX times. In fact, the star -- you may have heard of her -- Annie Ridley? She gave me her jacket a few weeks ago. Her assistant brought us backstage and Annie was SO excited to see me that she tossed it right at me! I've been wearing it ever since. Well -- except when I take a shower. Then I hang it on the bathroom door. (Models the jacket,) Do you like it? My mother thinks I look like a younger Annie, but I'm not sure. Either way, it's got some pretty great juju.
Y'know, the first time I met Annie, she stayed and talked to me for a while. She always signs my Playbill in block letters -- I think it's so she can spend more time talking to me and avoiding all of the crazy fans. (In a whisper,) There are some nuts out there. Let me tell you....
Anyway, Annie was writing in these big old block letters. A... N... N.... I... you know. And she looks at me and is all like, "Oh, honey, I LOVE your glasses. I have a pair just like these." And, you know, everybody else at the stage door just glares at me, the sharpie borrowers are all whathefuck? and I say, "Oh, yeah. You wore it in that Kiwi Shake video you did a couple weeks ago. I think I noticed that...." But I was totally full of shit, because I'd watched it fifty times. But shh. Don't tell Annie. I don't want to seem like one of those weirdos.
So, Annie asked me what my name was and I tell her, you know. Nancy Chap-i-win. Three syllables. Everyone always pronounces it wrong. Anyway, Annie keeps screwing it up, she can't pronounce it, and she's still block-lettering the 'd' in Ridley and laughing and goes, "You know what, Nancy Whatever? I'm just gonna call you Nancy Drew. 'cause I loved her when I was a kid and it'll just make it easier to remember." (beat.) I think I stopped breathing for a second. She loved Nancy Drew. She was going to call me that. Annie freaking Ridley LOVED me AND my freaking glasses!! One time, I heard someone at the stage door - you know the type, they always want to borrow your sharpie - anyway, I heard her saying that Annie only calls me Nancy Drew cause I'm nosy. Whatever. She's just jealous. And besides, I know that Annie calls me it deep down because she loves me just as much as she loved The Hardy Boys. Or whatever movie Nancy Drew is from. That's not the point. The point IS that Annie freaking LOVES me.
Anyway... Sorry. (She fixes her hair.) I get a little excited when I tell that story. It's all very... raw, you know? (Someone comes out the stage door.) Oh. That's the understudy. I've seen her once, but... I don't know. She's no Annie. (Beat. She whispers,) Too old. So. You two. You're from -- where? Minnesota? Yeah. Cool. I've never been there. I'm such a New Yorker. I mean -- I live in Hartford. Connecticut. But it's close enough. And I'm here ALL the time. I mean -- come on -- I've seen Next to Perfect 96 times. One time, I even saw two performances in one day. Yup. Matinee AND evening.
(The door opens.) Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. That's her. That's ANNIE! Don't freak out. She hates when people freak out. Hey-- is my mascara running? Ugh. I always cry when I see her up close. (Beat.) What? You don't have a sharpie? Oh, for God's sake, here.
(ANNIE steps up to her.)
Annie, hey! You were so fucking fierce tonight. I'm wearing the-- yeah. No. Nancy. (Beat. She's embarrassed. ANNIE is blanking on the Nancy's name.) Nancy Drew. (Beat.) No, it's not really Drew. You called me that last time I-- Chap-i-win. With the three syllables. (Beat.) No. Chap-i-win. Like "e". Chap-eh-win. eh, eh, eh-win. No... It's cool. Whatever. Everyone always pronounces it wrong, anyway.
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