Like a hug.

(from NIGHTINGALES)

MARGARET.

There was a point where I
um
where I thought that maybe it wasn’t worth it.
All this waiting for so little having.
And I had fashioned a noose.
Probably not a very good one but
um
I suppose
it would do the trick.
Get the job
done.
And I’d made plans because that is what you do with this sort of a thing
you plan
because you want to go in a way that’s fast
easy
or if not fast than just not painful
easy
like a hug.
And me
I’d made plans.
I’d waited until it was about 11:30 in the morning because no one’s out at 11:30 in the morning on a Tuesday and I walked out to the woods about a mile away from home
and
in my bag was the noose
and I suppose I looked like I was probably quite possibly up to no good with my bag walking into the woods on the middle of a week-day afternoon but if anyone was going to ask I’d had a plan to say
I’d planned to say that I was going to paint.
I was going to the woods so I could paint.
But
no one asked because
I suppose
no one noticed.
And I’d found a tree with a very sturdy looking branch
very sturdy that I knew it could hold my weight and I’d put the chair down and opened my bag that had the noose and my letter
which I placed under the leg of the chair so it wouldn’t blow away and I climbed onto it and I’d gotten the loose end of the rope up and over the branch and yanked a few times
to make sure it was
secure
and when I went to place the noose over my head that’s when I saw him
and Death
I don’t know if you know this
but Death is very, very tall.
It’s a little crazy to think but He is
SO
TALL.
Like some kind of giant.
And He
I don’t know how long He’d been there watching
but He looked me right in the eye and
He looked so apathetic
INDIFFERENT
and when He yawned before walking away because even Death was bored with me
when He yawned I crumpled up
right there
on a purple folding chair in the middle of the woods with a noose dangling above my fucking head
I crumpled up right there and cried for an hour
two
three.

It was dark when I went home.
And I’d thought
I’d
maybe
heard Someone sigh.
Not heavy. But light.
And it started to rain. Pour.
And I didn’t run
or take cover I just walked
and I took my time
and I eventually made my way home to my cozy armchair with my fat cat and I sat in the windowsill and I watched Someone cry for me right outside my windows and so I stayed
and I woke up the next morning
and the morning after that
and the month after that
and the year after that
and it
life
is a constant struggle a constant battle and I do go to the woods now sometimes often
because I paint
and
you know
sometimes?
He’s there
really tall
in the distance.
And once I think I saw Him wink
yeah
but mostly He just watches me paint.