from BLUE

I planned on going to Sarah Lawrence. I was going to study art history. I wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by this. (Beat.) I loved you. And a part of me wanted to marry you. But I never cut out pictures of wedding dresses. I never picked a wedding song. I was never that kind of girl. I never cared. I never smiled with glee. There were never butterflies. There were just doubts. Endless doubts. So I just kept on coming here. The day before our wedding, I skipped my bachelorette party and I came here. I got on this Greyhound out of town. Christ, I remember. I remember it so well. It was a 15 dollar ticket. Roundtrip. (Beat. Chuckling,) I considered buying a one-way for 8. You know? Just not coming back. Not going to the wedding. Just finding a way to be myself, belly and all, here. I could live a life here. Raise a child here. In the Met, for Christ’s sake, Richard. That’s what I wanted. I thought so long. So hard. The realization was unlike any other. It was so painful, do you see? My heart was breaking and my life was ending because I knew, Richard, I KNEW that I had to buy a roundtrip. Because I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t possibly live here ALONE. Raise a child ALONE. I was 18. I was so young. And so I came here for a little bit. I escaped for a little while. And I showed up at the party about, oh, a half an hour after it had ended. Meghan still hasn’t forgiven me. Apparently the party was a sensation. I’m not sorry I missed it. I spent the time much more valuably. I stopped by The Joan of Arc. I stopped by the Van Gogh exhibit. I sat with Pollock. There was this infinity, do you see? Because... here....? There are colors. Everywhere. And if you ran through the museum and never stopped to really look your world would be a magnificent one full of twists and turns and colors of every kind and textures of ever feeling and glamour and strangeness and wildness and SEX – yes, Richie, there is SEX in those paintings. Do you believe that? There is sex and hate and love and happiness and agony and life and there are cities and WORLDS and galaxies. (Beat.) There is calmness there. For me. You could’ve understood it if you wanted to.